Back to school!!!!!

Precious togetherness!

Well,today is back to school day.YEA!!!!!! I have been waiting for this day to come.It has been really rough around the house lately and I just needed a break to regroup my thoughts.I will see how things go this afternoon when Tori gets home.It started out pretty rough actually.When we got to the school to check her in we did not expect her to be staying today,but they made out her schedule and told her to go to her class.She didn't take her backpack with us cause she figured it would be a few days before she actuaaly started due to not having her school records.She thought that she was going to just leave with me and come home to get her backpack, but I busted that bubble real quick.I told her that she was staying there and I would come home to get her things and bring them to her.Needless to say she wasn't a very happy camper.OH WELL!!!!!! Life has alot of lessons to teach her and I'm afraid it's going to be a tough one.Things have been really bad at home to the point that I'm ready to go get back on my meds.I have been soooo depressed lately and my whole house is miserable.I can't take much more of this crap.I asked God to just take me away yesterday since I can't seem to do anything right these days esp. when it comes to being a parent.I'm praying that now school has started that things will change around here some since Tori and I are not together 24/7.I told her this morning that I was going to get online and sign-up to get progress reports from her teachers as well as have parent/teacher meetings.I refuse to let her run my home and do what ever she pleases when she pleases.It has even started causing trouble between Mike and I and that is unacceptable.She made the comment of,"oh boy,it's starting already."She doesn't want me to be involved in her school cause she just wants to do what she wants and not have any consequences.NOT!!!!!! Well,wish me luck.I'm going to need all I can get!

Jerks

Here I am again posting about the mess in my life.I got a call from CPS today that since I refused to sign over my rites to my boys now that asshole wants my kid back.I can't believe this shit.He knows the only way he can hurt me is by using my kids.Now he wants me to pick and choose which child I want and which ones I don't want.This is such bullshit!CPS doesn't protect the kids.They don't give a shit about anybody but themselves.Tori is telling me to let her go back and get beat again and I have major problems with that.If I do she gets hurt and if I don't she will be hurt for me agreeing to his terms and choosing one child over the other.The boys will look at it the same way that she does and think that I picked their sister over them and that all they've been told all their lives must be the truth,that I don't want nor love them.I'm stuck between two huge boulders and can't breathe.I don't see any light in the matter no matter how I look at it.My heart is broke either way I go.I protect and keep my daughter and lose my boys or I let her be beat and lose all of them.WHY??????? There is no answer in any of this madness.This doesn't even scare her anymore cause she looks at it as he can't do anything to her that she hasn't thought of doing to herself.She feels the worst he can do is kill her then he can't hurt me anymore or her by using her to get to me.I'm so fucking lost at all this!!!!!Don't ask for anything you really want cause God will definately give it to you,not like you want it either.This crazy fucked up thing they so call life is for the birds.I AM SICK OF ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!

Confusion

I don't know what to think anymore.It seems like everything I do is the wrong thing.I'm the biggest Bitch to my daughter and I can't make her happy no matter what I do and it seems that now Mike is mad at me for the way I raise her.The hell with it all.I'm just going to say "fuck it" and let them run things the way they want.Tori is happy around everyone but me and now my fiance' is miserable with me too.Maybe I'm not cut out for this thing they so call motherhood.I can't talk to anyone in the house without them getting an attitude so I guess I'll just not talk at all.Tori feels like I'm no better than Gene or Misty so maybe I'm not.Maybe she would be better off without me trying to help her have a better life.Maybe Mike would be better off if I wasn't around to make his life so hectic and sad all the time.It feels like my worst nightmare has totally come back to haunt me again.God only knows if I will be strong enough to take it again.Now I understand why I turned to drugs and alcohol last time but,Fuck that!I'm not going down that road for anyone again.CPS has screwed everything I have worked so hard for AGAIN!!!God,why does this fucking shit happen to me over and over again.Does anyone understand this thing they call life and why they say it is so precious??????I feel like Tori is wanting either me or Mike all to herself and she will stop at nothing to get it.She cut herself while her lil bro was here and then tells me that she is jealous of the relationship that I have with him cuz I wasn't there for her at his age.How do you answer that question?Oh.I'm sorry I was too busy doing my dope and not caring about anyone but myself---how can I forget?It only gets thrown up in my face daily a couple of times.Maybe I should say i don't care anymore and let her and Mike have all the fun they want and keep my mouth shut like a good lil mom and housewife should.Follow instead of lead.Like that would ever work with me-me follow?????WHATEVER!!!!!I know Amy,you are probably shitting a few bricks reading this right about now but I could care less at this point.I'm tired of all the misery around here.I can't seem to make anyone happy anymore.If your reading this please don't harp on me cuz I have enough of that here.If you have any suggestions I will consider them but otherwise DON'T!!!!!

Fun Day!!!!

I have my little girl home now and she is doing so much better.She gotto meet her brother and those two are something else when they are together.:) I love having both of them at home with me.Yesterday was fun day for us.I had alot of phone calls to make but afterwards we had a blast!Tori and Chance made me finger painted pics and then Tori decided that it was a good idea to play with the water hose.Yea!!!! Those two kids had so much fun and I was just basking in the joy of being able to see them playing together.We are still nervous about what CPS is going to do but had to put it aside for awhile and just be a kid.I love it!!!!!

Tori's home,but for how long?

Well,here i am again.My lil girl got to come home with me this

past Monday and I have been soo happy.We are both trying to figure out how all this is going to work and scared shitless.We have to go to court for her on Monday to let her give her plea on a fighting ticket she got when she was with her dad.We also have to go and talk to the police and that has us both worried.There is alot that hasn't been straightened out yet so we are both trying to take it one day at a time and still get along.I have a lot to remember about how it is to have a kid in the house again.Don't get me wrong---I LOVE IT!!!!!! Her and I tend to do alot of clashing right now and it makes it hard on us both.She has been pretty much on her own for the last 2 mths and now thinks she can do whatever she feels like doing.I have to keep it in mind that I haven't been in her life for the past 9 yrs,but also can't let her have her way and run me over.Needless to say-I'm really making her mad right now.She is really trying hard to be a kid but hates to be told what to do and I fully understand how she is feeling cause I did the same things at her age.She is scared along with me that CPS is going to end up taking her away again and that will kill us both.She got to spend the day with her lil brother and had a blast.You would never believe that they just met for the first time.They are so happy together and he thinks she is just the best.I kinda think so myself.:) I love this lil girl with all my heart and I will do anything to keep her here with me.CPS has told us that they will provide us with all the support system we need and also they will pay for her schooling all the way to her masters degree in college.I can't believe this is even possible.All I can say is keep praying that God continues to work miracles in my life as He has been doing for me. I know that all things are posssible through Him!Till next time....God Bless!

Visitation

Well,I got to go see my lil girl this week and I was so happy.Things didn't quite turn out the way I was hoping but all in all we had a great time together.She had court and it was such a joke.The judge heard her father testify that he severely beat my oldest son by choking him and putting his head through a wall and the judge still sent her back to him.It is absolutely crazy.She comes back by plane tis Monday and hopefully CPS will take emergency custody of her when she lands.New allagations have come up that require immediate attention.When I got there and they went to get her for our visit I was scared and nervous as to how she would react to seeing me after 9yrs.She came around the corner and I didn't even recognize her due to she had dyed her her dark brown.She was sooo beatiful,of course;she's my kid.: ) We held each other so toght and I never wanted to let her go.We cried,laughed and played together the whole 2 days I was there.I'm still praying that in the end everything will work out for the best.All I want is for her to be in a safe and loved environment;whether it be with me or someone else as long it is not with her dad.Keep praying for us and hope things turn out for the best.I will keep you updated on everything.

Terrified!!!!

I'm going to see my baby for the first time in 9yrs tomorrow.April and I are leaving tonite so we can get some rest in a hotel b4 we go visit her in the morning.I'm a nervous wreck.I had to tell her we were coming cause she had a breakdown Thurs. They told her she had a surprise visit coming and she thought it may be her dad and ended up cutting herself again.I wish I knew how to help my lil girl so she didn't feel that cutting was the only escape from reality.Don't worry I will have lots of pics when I get back.I'm so excited and nervous at the same time.The last time I saw her she was only 3yrs old.Yikes!!!!!They also told her that she was leaving this week and I don't have the heart to tell her she may be going back to her dads.I am going up to Arkansas to try and fight for her in court Tues. so please pray that it all works out in God's will.Well gotta get packed so I will be ready to leave.Oh,almost forgot to tell you the story of me trying to get my travel permit.I put in for it on Thurs.And Mike told me to call Fri. To see if I could get it instead of waiting till Mon. morn.I freaked out when I was told I was denied due to non payment of this months fees,a whole $18.I was livid.I had to rush to get up there and pay my fees so another supervisor could over ride the first denial.I was scared to death that I would not get to go.Okay I gotta run for real this time.Till Wed.Smile....and pray.

Chance!!!

Here I am again letting you know how wonderful God has been to me.I was blessed by my little boy getting to come spend a few days with me at my house.It was soooo awesome!We had the best time together.I took him to the park alone the first day and we fed the geese and ducks.The geese got too close to him and he climbed on top of the bench I was sittng at and they kept getting closer to us till they were right on top of us,that's when I decided it was time to move.Then we went to the playground area and played for awhile.He saw that the train was running and we went to ride on it.He had a blast and so did I.The next day we all went back and fed the geese again,but this time Mike let Chance put his hand under his and the geese ate out of his hand.It was sooooo cute!We also took a cardboard box so Chance could slide down the hill on it.It was hilarious.He tried to get inside it to slide and ended up tumbling down the hill instead.Mike and I busted out laughing at him.When we left the hill we went over to play for a little while and Mike caught the picture of Chance and I playing.I didn't even know he was taking it but was so pleased with it when I saw it that I just had to put it up on here.I never dreamed that I would have him at my home and I was soooo happy having him here.God has really blessed me with having a great relationship with my son and his family.Sorry it is small text.Ooops!!!

Madness

My innocent lil girl.....
My stress creator....

This is the scariest time for me since I've been out of prison.My lil babygirl has ran away from her dads and is now in a shelter in Little Rock,Ark.I have been in contact with her dad and I am trying to get her to come live with me.He told me if I would get an attorney to terminate his rights then he would sign her over to me.The problem with that is all these years he has had me believing that my rights had been taken away from me and I recently found out that that is not true.I still have visitation rights and he has kept my kids from me for the last 9yrs.I feel like he is trying to set me up by me getting the attorney and once we get in court he is going to try and get me for back child support.That is how evil he is.I have been in contact with the authorities in Ark. and they are trying to get it arranged for me to have Tori.She is refusing to come back to Texas if she has to live with her dad.CPS is trying to work with me by giving me a form that her dad can sign so I can have temp custody of her.We would have to go to court to get it to be full custody once she was returned to me.That poses another problem and scares the heck out of me.My fiance' was falsely accused of things back when I first got my divorce and he is not allowed around my kids.I'm terrified that once her dad finds out that I am back with my fiance' then he will renege on the signing of the papers or the courts will not let her come stay with me till I can prove his innocence.The system is something else when you have to deal with it and I hate it.They pick you apart and then still find things wrong when there isn't anything.I just have to keep praying that God will handle all of this and His Will will be done.I know that I am a good mother and I refuse to let Tori's dad make me believe any different.He ruled over me at one time but not anymore.

Graduation Day

Certificate finally!
He was so proud of himself.

This is from Chance's graduation day.He was such a big boy about it till he was told that he would be going to a big school all day now.He asked if he could just stay at MDO.It was so funny.I haven't blogged in a while and was told about it by Amy,so I am going to blog a couple of things today,just for you Goob.:)
I got to spend the day with Chance on Thurs. and we had such a great time.April even told me that if I would like for Chance to come spend a couple of days with me at my house that she would let me.Talk about over joyed!!!!I was estatic.My lil boy is growing up so fast and there is times that he just makes me cry cause I get to thinking of how blessed I am just to have him in my life.
He made me a Mother's Day card and gave it to me when I went to his graduation.I cried,of course.He is the sweetest lil boy.I don't know what I would do if he wasn't a part of my life these days.He really keeps my spirits up.

Six Flags

Went to Six Flags yesterday with Amy and had a blast.We rode all the big roller coasters and she even got me on the Superman Tower of Power which terrified the heck out of me.The only bad part of the day was when we went to get on some of the big coasters and her son,Cody couldn't or wouldn't ride with us was that the staff at the rides were supposed to let him stay in line with us and crossover when we went to get on the ride.Well this did not happen.We went to get on Titan and the staff told us that we had to leave an 8yr old boy alone at the exit of the ride and they were not responsible for him.BULL!!!!Can't believe that that is even legal with all the crimes you hear about kids getting taken from everywhere.We were in line for 45 minutes without him.Then we go over to Mr.Freeze and they tell us he had to wait all alone again.Needless to say we are ticked off at this point.Amy ended up not riding it with us since we were not comfortable leaving Cody alone for that length of time.We got off there and head over to Batman---same issue but this time the staff attendant decided he was gonna terrify Cody into thinking he was gonna be forced to ride and he wasn't even tall enough.We all went balistic at this point-you DON'T scare our kid.Amy ended up talking to the head super of the ride and some others.She got taken to the exit of Batman and was told about a program that ALL rides were suppose to be complying with called "kid swap".What this means is when you have a child too short or doesn't want to ride a ride they are suppose to let you go with the child to the exit of the ride and wait for the rest of your party to go through the line normally and when they get to the ride they tell the staff they have a kid swap waiting.Then they let the other member of your party in and the child waits for them while they are on the ride.This leaves the kid alone but in sight for a whole 2 minutes if that.This is something that all guest should be aware of so that it doesn't happen to them and thier child.Please get the word out.Here is a few pictures of our day.

Dazed And Confused

Well,a lot has happened since I last blogged.My daughter got put in a mental institute,got out and went back home.It has been a really rough week.I did get to go spend some time with Chance though.He is growing up so fast.He graduates from Pre-K this next month and I'm not ready for him to start Kindergarten just yet.He is so smart.He already knows all upper and lower case alphabet and about 12-13 site words.On the other hand Tori is acting out as usual.She doesn't want to take her meds or do anything that she is told to do.She constently wants to fight with me and I have gotten to where when she is in one of her moods I just log off and let her have her moment.I have to back off cause she is really getting to me to the point that it is dangerous for me.I refuse to let her take me down that road of destruction again.I have been praying for guidance in my life on how I should deal with her.All I can do is be there for her if she truly needs me,not when she wants to play games.We have no idea what CPS is gonna do yet or if they are gonna do anything at all.I just want her to be safe and happy wherever that may be.I think I have gotten stronger when it comes to her cause I don't let her get to me the way she used to.I will always be there for my little girl and hopefully one day she will realize that not everything her father tells her or has told her is the truth.

My Babygirl Hurts

It is Sunday but I've had a really rough week.I went to see my youngest,Chance,this past Thursday.While I was there my daughter called me and told me that she had run away again.I was really sad for her cause she wanted me to come get her and I couldn't due to the law would've put me in jail for being around her.She got to talk with Chance and that made both of them very happy.As I was on my way back home I received another phone call stating that my little girl had been committed to a mental hospital by her dad for cutting herself 12 times.I'm not so sure what to do with her but I do know she needs to get out of her dads home.She called me yesterday and wanted me to come see her at the hospital and again I had to tell her that I can't.I'm really getting tired of letting her down.I just wished that there was something I could do to prove that I'm a good parent to CPS so that she could live with me again.Her dad hasn't been up there to see her or take her any clean clothes to wear.I am going to meet with one of her friends and buy her some clothes so she can at least have something.It tears me apart to know that she is hurting so bad inside that she feels cutting herself is the only way out.All I can do is pray that God will step in and give her some peace of mind and a strong heart.I will never give up on her for sure.I know in good time her and I will be reunited.If you are reading this blog ,please pray for my little angel.

Church day

I went to a new church this morning and really enjoyed it.I feel that if I don't get the spiritual support that I so desperatly need at this time in my life then I won't be able to make it through this ordeal with my sanity in tact.

Our screwed up system

We have such a screwed up system thats it's not even funny.My daughter is being treated like a dog and nothing is being done about it.Her father and step-mother found out she put a tattoo on her ankle and decided that she was a whore so they won't let her out of her room and are feeding her under the door like some crazed animal.CPS was called and informed about the treatment she is getting and came out lastnight to investigate.Her father told them a bunch of lies so now they are ordering her to go to a psych.She feels so helpless and is thinking of overdosing on anything she can get her hands on.I wish so badly I could just go take her out of the situation but I have no legal rights to her.She is still playing games with me but I feel if I cut her off that she will actually do something to herself and will never get the help she desperatly needs.She wants to come live with me but her father is making it impossible for that to happen.He keeps telling her and CPS that he is gonna put me back in prison for non-payment of back child support.I don't think he can since he terminated all my rights back in 2002.If anyone knows anything different on the laws in Texas,please give me some input.I'm soooo worried about her and want to do everything I can to get her out of the situation that she is in.

Helpless

Well today was not a great day at all.It all started with an email on myspace from my daughter stating that her step-mother slapped her 8 times and called her vulgar names.She also said that her dad is now feeding her through the bottom of the door,and not letting her have any of her things such as radio,tv,money she works for,etc..I then get a call from one of her friends telling me that she(the friend) has called CPS on Tori's dad and step-mom for the abuse that she is seeing on her.CPS calls the friend back to ask if she knew how to get in touch with Tori's biological mother(me).Turns out that my kids may be yanked out of their home and placed in foster care by the end of the week.CPS told the friend that even though my rights have been terminated that they can re-review me and I may be eligible to get them back.I'm soooo scared that this is gonna turn out the same way it did 9 yrs ago and my kids will still be in the environment their in or worse.My mind is racing so badly.My daughter wants to come live with me,however my boys want nothing to do with me since they have been fed so many lies about me and that i don't want nor love them.I want my kids more than anything in the world and I'm praying that this is Gods way of giving me that second chance with them.Dear Lord,I'm sooo scared and need guidence.My daughter is terrified of her father since as soon as he hears the message on their machine he will know it was done because of her and the way she is treated.If you have any advice or thoughts,please give them to me.

She's driving me mad!!!

Well Tori got back in town from Mississippi and pulling her same old stuff.She stole beer and some other things while her dad was sleeping.She was with another boy and almost went to jail over him.I don't know what to do with her cause one minute she wants me to be her mom and the next she doesn't.She pulled this," you we're never there crap on me today and just wants me as a friend".She also came home with this kids name tattooed on her.God,she's only 12 yrs old and acting like an adult.I want so badly to just go get her and beat her butt,but i can't.She's pulling my heart apart and I almost want to stop the conversation with her,but I also want her in my life forever.Lord,what do I do?Please give me some guidence in this matter.I love my daughter very much and want the best for her.She isn't getting it where she is currently at and I don't want to do anything to make her hate me.I just want her out of that environment and safe where she will feel loved and wanted.Tori is such a beautiful little girl and she feels like she has to use her body to be loved.Why Lord?I know I'm not suppose to ask ,but I'm so confused as to why this is happening to my little girl.Please give me some answers.She's smoking drugs she doesn't even know what they are and being so reckless with her life.

Vacation over

Today my fiance' went back to work.We did a lot around the house this week,but still have lots more to do.I really enjoyed having him home at night with me and spending some quality time together.He is such a wonderful man.He ended up getting sick from me and once he was better I got a second round of it.Yuck!!!He refused to let me do anything around the house.He did the laundry,cooked,and took care of the kids(dogs).His father moved in with us this past week and thats been a real test for me and Mike.It seems to be working out okay for now.Well that's all for today.Till next time......

Sick

Well it's Sun. and I have been sick for 3 days now.Sux...I haven't felt like doing much of anything not even watching t.v.I'm patiently waiting for my daughter to get back in town so I can find out how she is doing and how the trip was.My fiance' is on vacation this week and we are doing some repairs on the house we are trying to buy.I never realized just how much work it is to buy a home..

My crazy friend

This is my crazy friend.I'm new to the computer world and she loves laughing at me when I have to call or text her with questions on how to do something.I love her so much.She means the world to me.

My son

This is my youngest son,Chance.God has really blessed me with him.I lost him at birth,but the adoptive family contacted me when he was 2yrs old.I now have a wonderful relationship with him.I wished other mothers who lost thier children could be as blessed as I am.

My Daughter

I just receantly found my daughter after 9yrs.I really don't know what to do,she is only 12yrs old and I found out that she just got out of juvinile after being there for 2mths.She went for running away from her dad's.I also found out that she cuts on herself and may be pregnant.I'm about to lose my mind.I don't have any legal rights to her nor any of my other children.My oldest son wrote me on myspace and cussed me out ro
yally.He wants nothing to do with me and won't even give me the opportunity to give my side of the story.My kids think I left them and don't love them,which is not true.Their crazy father has filled their heads full of so much crap and I'm afraid that I will never be able to see my boys.This is killing me inside!