Jerks

Here I am again posting about the mess in my life.I got a call from CPS today that since I refused to sign over my rites to my boys now that asshole wants my kid back.I can't believe this shit.He knows the only way he can hurt me is by using my kids.Now he wants me to pick and choose which child I want and which ones I don't want.This is such bullshit!CPS doesn't protect the kids.They don't give a shit about anybody but themselves.Tori is telling me to let her go back and get beat again and I have major problems with that.If I do she gets hurt and if I don't she will be hurt for me agreeing to his terms and choosing one child over the other.The boys will look at it the same way that she does and think that I picked their sister over them and that all they've been told all their lives must be the truth,that I don't want nor love them.I'm stuck between two huge boulders and can't breathe.I don't see any light in the matter no matter how I look at it.My heart is broke either way I go.I protect and keep my daughter and lose my boys or I let her be beat and lose all of them.WHY??????? There is no answer in any of this madness.This doesn't even scare her anymore cause she looks at it as he can't do anything to her that she hasn't thought of doing to herself.She feels the worst he can do is kill her then he can't hurt me anymore or her by using her to get to me.I'm so fucking lost at all this!!!!!Don't ask for anything you really want cause God will definately give it to you,not like you want it either.This crazy fucked up thing they so call life is for the birds.I AM SICK OF ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!

Confusion

I don't know what to think anymore.It seems like everything I do is the wrong thing.I'm the biggest Bitch to my daughter and I can't make her happy no matter what I do and it seems that now Mike is mad at me for the way I raise her.The hell with it all.I'm just going to say "fuck it" and let them run things the way they want.Tori is happy around everyone but me and now my fiance' is miserable with me too.Maybe I'm not cut out for this thing they so call motherhood.I can't talk to anyone in the house without them getting an attitude so I guess I'll just not talk at all.Tori feels like I'm no better than Gene or Misty so maybe I'm not.Maybe she would be better off without me trying to help her have a better life.Maybe Mike would be better off if I wasn't around to make his life so hectic and sad all the time.It feels like my worst nightmare has totally come back to haunt me again.God only knows if I will be strong enough to take it again.Now I understand why I turned to drugs and alcohol last time but,Fuck that!I'm not going down that road for anyone again.CPS has screwed everything I have worked so hard for AGAIN!!!God,why does this fucking shit happen to me over and over again.Does anyone understand this thing they call life and why they say it is so precious??????I feel like Tori is wanting either me or Mike all to herself and she will stop at nothing to get it.She cut herself while her lil bro was here and then tells me that she is jealous of the relationship that I have with him cuz I wasn't there for her at his age.How do you answer that question?Oh.I'm sorry I was too busy doing my dope and not caring about anyone but myself---how can I forget?It only gets thrown up in my face daily a couple of times.Maybe I should say i don't care anymore and let her and Mike have all the fun they want and keep my mouth shut like a good lil mom and housewife should.Follow instead of lead.Like that would ever work with me-me follow?????WHATEVER!!!!!I know Amy,you are probably shitting a few bricks reading this right about now but I could care less at this point.I'm tired of all the misery around here.I can't seem to make anyone happy anymore.If your reading this please don't harp on me cuz I have enough of that here.If you have any suggestions I will consider them but otherwise DON'T!!!!!

Fun Day!!!!

I have my little girl home now and she is doing so much better.She gotto meet her brother and those two are something else when they are together.:) I love having both of them at home with me.Yesterday was fun day for us.I had alot of phone calls to make but afterwards we had a blast!Tori and Chance made me finger painted pics and then Tori decided that it was a good idea to play with the water hose.Yea!!!! Those two kids had so much fun and I was just basking in the joy of being able to see them playing together.We are still nervous about what CPS is going to do but had to put it aside for awhile and just be a kid.I love it!!!!!