Well here I am finally posting again.I received a message on myspace from my son,Jon,I was shocked.This is the one that hasn't wanted anything to do with me from the get go....now he wants to come live with me.I am so excited and scared at the same time.I don't know anything about him and all of a sudden I will have him back in my life....WOW!!!!!! God is GREAT!!!!!!! He and I have been talking alot since he contacted me.Lastnight we had a real heart to heart and it tore me up inside to know the bull that my baby has gone through and that he really has missed me but been too scared to show it due to his father(sperm donor).Jon seems to be a good kid but his father can't see that through covered eyes.All his father can see is "how can he hurt me?"....and he is using the kids to do it as usual.I always told myself that the world was round and one day he would turn the kids against him and he is slowly doing it one by one.I have a feeling that Nikko won't be coming to me anytime soon...he is the one with the most anger.I'm worried about Nikko cause now he is really confused.First he thinks his own mother left him and didn't want him.Now he finds out that the man he has called father all his life isn't his father and now the only siblings he has wants to leave him as well.He's a very confused kid and a very angry one too.It really scares me how he is going to react to his younger brother leaving.It didn't bother him about his sister cause all they did was fight anyway,but he is pretty close to Jon.Jon has been so sweet to me this past week getting to know me and so forgiving.All he wants is to have a chance to know his mom.He told me last night,"I know now that I have been lied to all my life and I want and need my mom." Yep......I cried!I will keep you informed on things around here as they occur,right now we are trying to figure out how to get Jon here with me.Any ideas are welcomed!!!!!!

Back to school!!!!!

Precious togetherness!

Well,today is back to school day.YEA!!!!!! I have been waiting for this day to come.It has been really rough around the house lately and I just needed a break to regroup my thoughts.I will see how things go this afternoon when Tori gets home.It started out pretty rough actually.When we got to the school to check her in we did not expect her to be staying today,but they made out her schedule and told her to go to her class.She didn't take her backpack with us cause she figured it would be a few days before she actuaaly started due to not having her school records.She thought that she was going to just leave with me and come home to get her backpack, but I busted that bubble real quick.I told her that she was staying there and I would come home to get her things and bring them to her.Needless to say she wasn't a very happy camper.OH WELL!!!!!! Life has alot of lessons to teach her and I'm afraid it's going to be a tough one.Things have been really bad at home to the point that I'm ready to go get back on my meds.I have been soooo depressed lately and my whole house is miserable.I can't take much more of this crap.I asked God to just take me away yesterday since I can't seem to do anything right these days esp. when it comes to being a parent.I'm praying that now school has started that things will change around here some since Tori and I are not together 24/7.I told her this morning that I was going to get online and sign-up to get progress reports from her teachers as well as have parent/teacher meetings.I refuse to let her run my home and do what ever she pleases when she pleases.It has even started causing trouble between Mike and I and that is unacceptable.She made the comment of,"oh boy,it's starting already."She doesn't want me to be involved in her school cause she just wants to do what she wants and not have any consequences.NOT!!!!!! Well,wish me luck.I'm going to need all I can get!

Jerks

Here I am again posting about the mess in my life.I got a call from CPS today that since I refused to sign over my rites to my boys now that asshole wants my kid back.I can't believe this shit.He knows the only way he can hurt me is by using my kids.Now he wants me to pick and choose which child I want and which ones I don't want.This is such bullshit!CPS doesn't protect the kids.They don't give a shit about anybody but themselves.Tori is telling me to let her go back and get beat again and I have major problems with that.If I do she gets hurt and if I don't she will be hurt for me agreeing to his terms and choosing one child over the other.The boys will look at it the same way that she does and think that I picked their sister over them and that all they've been told all their lives must be the truth,that I don't want nor love them.I'm stuck between two huge boulders and can't breathe.I don't see any light in the matter no matter how I look at it.My heart is broke either way I go.I protect and keep my daughter and lose my boys or I let her be beat and lose all of them.WHY??????? There is no answer in any of this madness.This doesn't even scare her anymore cause she looks at it as he can't do anything to her that she hasn't thought of doing to herself.She feels the worst he can do is kill her then he can't hurt me anymore or her by using her to get to me.I'm so fucking lost at all this!!!!!Don't ask for anything you really want cause God will definately give it to you,not like you want it either.This crazy fucked up thing they so call life is for the birds.I AM SICK OF ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!

Confusion

I don't know what to think anymore.It seems like everything I do is the wrong thing.I'm the biggest Bitch to my daughter and I can't make her happy no matter what I do and it seems that now Mike is mad at me for the way I raise her.The hell with it all.I'm just going to say "fuck it" and let them run things the way they want.Tori is happy around everyone but me and now my fiance' is miserable with me too.Maybe I'm not cut out for this thing they so call motherhood.I can't talk to anyone in the house without them getting an attitude so I guess I'll just not talk at all.Tori feels like I'm no better than Gene or Misty so maybe I'm not.Maybe she would be better off without me trying to help her have a better life.Maybe Mike would be better off if I wasn't around to make his life so hectic and sad all the time.It feels like my worst nightmare has totally come back to haunt me again.God only knows if I will be strong enough to take it again.Now I understand why I turned to drugs and alcohol last time but,Fuck that!I'm not going down that road for anyone again.CPS has screwed everything I have worked so hard for AGAIN!!!God,why does this fucking shit happen to me over and over again.Does anyone understand this thing they call life and why they say it is so precious??????I feel like Tori is wanting either me or Mike all to herself and she will stop at nothing to get it.She cut herself while her lil bro was here and then tells me that she is jealous of the relationship that I have with him cuz I wasn't there for her at his age.How do you answer that question?Oh.I'm sorry I was too busy doing my dope and not caring about anyone but myself---how can I forget?It only gets thrown up in my face daily a couple of times.Maybe I should say i don't care anymore and let her and Mike have all the fun they want and keep my mouth shut like a good lil mom and housewife should.Follow instead of lead.Like that would ever work with me-me follow?????WHATEVER!!!!!I know Amy,you are probably shitting a few bricks reading this right about now but I could care less at this point.I'm tired of all the misery around here.I can't seem to make anyone happy anymore.If your reading this please don't harp on me cuz I have enough of that here.If you have any suggestions I will consider them but otherwise DON'T!!!!!

Fun Day!!!!

I have my little girl home now and she is doing so much better.She gotto meet her brother and those two are something else when they are together.:) I love having both of them at home with me.Yesterday was fun day for us.I had alot of phone calls to make but afterwards we had a blast!Tori and Chance made me finger painted pics and then Tori decided that it was a good idea to play with the water hose.Yea!!!! Those two kids had so much fun and I was just basking in the joy of being able to see them playing together.We are still nervous about what CPS is going to do but had to put it aside for awhile and just be a kid.I love it!!!!!

Tori's home,but for how long?

Well,here i am again.My lil girl got to come home with me this

past Monday and I have been soo happy.We are both trying to figure out how all this is going to work and scared shitless.We have to go to court for her on Monday to let her give her plea on a fighting ticket she got when she was with her dad.We also have to go and talk to the police and that has us both worried.There is alot that hasn't been straightened out yet so we are both trying to take it one day at a time and still get along.I have a lot to remember about how it is to have a kid in the house again.Don't get me wrong---I LOVE IT!!!!!! Her and I tend to do alot of clashing right now and it makes it hard on us both.She has been pretty much on her own for the last 2 mths and now thinks she can do whatever she feels like doing.I have to keep it in mind that I haven't been in her life for the past 9 yrs,but also can't let her have her way and run me over.Needless to say-I'm really making her mad right now.She is really trying hard to be a kid but hates to be told what to do and I fully understand how she is feeling cause I did the same things at her age.She is scared along with me that CPS is going to end up taking her away again and that will kill us both.She got to spend the day with her lil brother and had a blast.You would never believe that they just met for the first time.They are so happy together and he thinks she is just the best.I kinda think so myself.:) I love this lil girl with all my heart and I will do anything to keep her here with me.CPS has told us that they will provide us with all the support system we need and also they will pay for her schooling all the way to her masters degree in college.I can't believe this is even possible.All I can say is keep praying that God continues to work miracles in my life as He has been doing for me. I know that all things are posssible through Him!Till next time....God Bless!

Visitation

Well,I got to go see my lil girl this week and I was so happy.Things didn't quite turn out the way I was hoping but all in all we had a great time together.She had court and it was such a joke.The judge heard her father testify that he severely beat my oldest son by choking him and putting his head through a wall and the judge still sent her back to him.It is absolutely crazy.She comes back by plane tis Monday and hopefully CPS will take emergency custody of her when she lands.New allagations have come up that require immediate attention.When I got there and they went to get her for our visit I was scared and nervous as to how she would react to seeing me after 9yrs.She came around the corner and I didn't even recognize her due to she had dyed her her dark brown.She was sooo beatiful,of course;she's my kid.: ) We held each other so toght and I never wanted to let her go.We cried,laughed and played together the whole 2 days I was there.I'm still praying that in the end everything will work out for the best.All I want is for her to be in a safe and loved environment;whether it be with me or someone else as long it is not with her dad.Keep praying for us and hope things turn out for the best.I will keep you updated on everything.